You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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