I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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