Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
