What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
