Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
