Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
