is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
