The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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