Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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