i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
