I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
