i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
