the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
