I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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