True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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