Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Rumble strips road head = magical
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
