Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
