My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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