alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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