i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
