I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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