my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
