My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
