Cold hands, warm shart.
You're my little dorito
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole