Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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