dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
