Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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