He disabled his match.com account in front of me
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
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i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
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Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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