He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
