Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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