I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
