one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
