You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
