my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
