Im at strip club and am horny
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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