somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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