i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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