your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
