Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
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I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
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Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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