Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
