I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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