Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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