I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
