Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
