Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
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The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
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This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
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