How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
