this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
