It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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