"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
