what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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