Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
