those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
