I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.