i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
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He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
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doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house